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The road to anxiety is paid with set intentions.

As I write this, I’m one week away from going back to work after summer break. Back in May, I’d written a “summer list.” The idea, of course, was that I was going to get a lot of stuff done during the summer instead of sit around and feel anxious that I wasn’t getting enough done. You know, even though I was supposed to be taking a break, relaxing, and recharging. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always work for me, who has lived with nearly 20 years of “summer break guilt” as a teacher–everyone else is working and therefore I have to show that I am making something of my time.

My therapists (I’m on my third) have always told me to look at that and ask why that seems to be such a dominant feeling. I’m pretty sure it goes all the way back to my upbringing and is one symptom of the anxiety I feel around others’ perception of me, as if I am constantly facing a performance evaluation or something. Because when you’re an A student and your parents are always commenting on what others around you have or haven’t done in life, you develop a complex to always have something to show for every second of your life.

Even reading that sentence is exhausting. No wonder there are times when I want to just run away.

My current therapist (oh, don’t look at me like that. My first therapist retired and my second stopped taking my insurance) tells me to reframe the idea of a “to do” list in terms of “setting intentions.” I guess the thought is to not focus on the goal but on the process and not get wrapped up in whether or not I am accomplishing things, especially when it comes to someone else’s timetable. I do like the idea because it does reframe the whole thing in terms of behavior and not checking things off of a list.

But even then, I worry about how often I forget the intentions that I set and if I’m doing all of this right. Oh, and whether or not I’m going to be critcized or ridiculed for not doing something the right way.

Again, who the hell is doing said criticizing or ridiculing? It’s all in my head, a nebulous voice that’s comprised of the many critical voices I have heard over the years (“Why are you doing it that way?”, “How don’t you know that?”, and so on). To quote Lit, I am my own worst enemy.

Back to the summer list. How much did I get done? Well, I had 22 items on the list and as of right now have completed 12 of them . One of the items–a house repair–is moving toward completion tomorrow because we’re getting an estimate (so that’s progress), and I think there’s a couple that might be completed this week once I get my car back from getting inspected. Another–see a particular exhibit at the VMFA–is going to be a no-go because it’s already gone (although there’s an impressionists exhibit coming next year). And some of it I might get to in the fall, especially those things that have to deal with yard work (which is tough to get the motivation to do when it’s over 90 degrees outside each day of the summer).

I guess that’s an accomplishment? I don’t even know anymore, if I’m being completely honest, because I spend too much time with what I am not doing or getting done. It seems as if for everything I check off, there’s another piece of clutter coming my way.

I was talking to my therapist last week and said that one important thing for me–an intention, I guess–is to not get caught up in the idea that everything comes to a grinding halt once the school year begins. If that requires more deliberate planning on my part, I guess that’s what has to happen.